The Olympic Horror #1
There is one simple tactic the UK can employ to increase its Olympic medal haul: make sure they’re first on eBay when the Greeks start selling theirs.
G4S’ problems are being explained by their boss Nick Buckles – a man who sounds like he was created by Charles Dickens to be a particularly spineless Beadle in a novel about Old London. He's apologised for not having enough security staff ready for the Olympics. It’s not his fault - in their defence, they have only had 7 years to prepare. To be fair to G4S, it takes a while to train people up as Olympic security guards. For instance, they have to be able to tell if a person is carrying a pole vault stick or a really really long gun. The G4S has been called a shambles? It’s not a shambles yet - wait until it really gets going, when they’re checking bags using dowsing rods, patrolling the perimeter with cats on leads and patting you down while humming Let’s Get It On.
G4S must be regretting that they announced they couldn’t provide enough security staff last week. They should have kept their mouths shut and then blamed the shortfall on them being stuck in traffic. For most nations the idea of success at the Olympics is measured in medals won. For Britain, it’s whether we can get a bus from the airport into town in under 4 hours. Athletes arrived into London to be met with rain and a 32 mile traffic jam. They couldn’t have had a more stereotypical welcome to this country if their vomit-soaked cab was being driven by Dick Van Dyke and on the four hour journey into town all he spoke about was immigration and how much he’d like to ride Pippa Middleton. The breakfast traffic jam couldn’t have come at a worse time. While Chris Moyles is still on air. Stationary drivers stuck on the M4 should look on the bright side - that will be the last time they find a parking space all day. The Aussie team took 4 hours to get from Heathrow to the Olympic Park. It was driver error – apparently he decided to follow a black cab doing the same journey. The length of time people in London will be sat in traffic has created new events – like shitting into an old McDonald’s cup while holding your coke bottle of piss between your knees without spilling it.
Why are they giving lanes to the world’s fastest people anyway? They should simply stand at Heathrow, point anyone in a tracksuit in the right direction then watch them bound over cars like a scene from the X Men. David Cameron’s admitted he’s not totally comfortable with the idea of an elite having privileged access to transport. He says it’s something he’d rather was just confined to education, work and housing.
The rain will be so heavy that the Olympics is now being used as a selection process to find the 2 best specimens to populate our post-apocalyptic Waterworld. Beach volleyball has a glamourous image but not if you train on UK beaches. Doesn’t matter how skimpy your bikini, no one is attractive when they’ve just landed face first in a used sanitary towel. Cold weather could mean tops and leggings in the beach volleyball. Think yourself lucky it’s not being staged in Scotland, else the best chance of a point would be trapping the ball in the snorkel of their parka, before leaning over the net and sneezing it out. As spectators watch from inside their cars while eating fish and chips. We all need to grow up about this. Maybe the ladies could just start each match by rubbing each other all over with some kind of insulating jelly. I for one don’t feel the need to pleasure myself to their valiant efforts. Not since I’ve discovered a lightly greased Wenlock mascot can reach my anal G spot.
The Olympics have already helped me fulfil my dream of being faster than Usain Bolt. Though only when it comes to getting through immigration at Heathrow. Why are Olympic organisers so concerned about security? They want to find out who can run the fastest and jump the highest - a terrorist attack could give you that information in 5 exciting minutes. We’d also find out who is best at playing dead and which nation excels at gathering human shields. Although it would be galling to have to give the shooting gold, silver and bronze medals to an Al Qaeda cell. What national anthem would you play? Suppose you could just put on The Star Spangled Banner backwards. We like to imagine that as a nation we are more progressive than most yet during this Olympics if an athlete gave a black power salute, you know he’d be taken out by an army sniper.
Despite cuts to the opening ceremony, the live animals are staying. A huge relief for the two Al Qaeda operatives who’ve spent the last month in a rain soaked pantomime cow outfit. I couldn’t get tickets for the opening ceremony so I’m going to recreate it by taking my kids out to sit in a traffic jam, then making them stand outside in the rain for hours and search their packed lunch boxes for bombs, before finally opening the farm gates and letting them watch a couple of sheep grazing. Unfortunately transport issues mean that parts of the show had to be cut so that people could get home afterwards. It would have taken a miracle to fit the whole show in. That or they could just start the show half an hour earlier. The opening ceremony theme is a celebration of traditional Britishness and cutting it short because of the trains shows Danny Boyle’s incredible attention to detail. They’ve axed a flaming stunt bike sequence, presumably because it looked out place being the only exciting part of the ceremony. The synchronised pig team has now got a lot to live up to.
Olympic competitors have begun moving into the Athletes’ Village. It’s going to stand out from all the surrounding areas because it’ll have more of a drug problem. It’ll be easy to spot any potential terrorists at the games -they’ll be working as security for G4S. G4S were so desperate to find enough security guards to protect the Olympics they started advertising for them in The Al Qaeda Weekly. Trials are being delayed because the police guarding the Olympics won’t have time to testify. ‘Sorry, I’m afraid your daughter’s sex attacker hasn’t been convicted yet because the police are too busy checking no one’s taking their own sandwiches in to watch the archery.’ Two G4S Olympic security guards have been arrested as suspected illegal immigrants. Yes, they’re illegal immigrants but surely more surprising is that they work for G4S and turned up for their shift.
The closing ceremony is going to feature raunchy lollipop ladies stripping to the National Anthem. What a succession of terrible ideas…making it a perfect reflection of Great Britain. I’m not sure how that represents Great Britain. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a stripping lollipop lady. And it’s not for want of trying. If any of the lollipop ladies at my school had stripped, a child would have been knocked into the road as their tits unrolled like two coiled hosepipes.
Jessie J singing ‘it’s not about the money, money, money’ might grate with London council tax payers. Though probably not with the corporate guests tucking into crayfish wraps as Usain Bolt gives them their complimentary piggy back round the track. There’s to be a tribute to Britain’s fashion scene. I’d suggest a Chinook dropping tons of assorted clothes which the crowd then grab at, with the vigour of pigeons at an overturned bread truck, as a subtle nod to our love of TK Maxx and Primark. Finally the Olympic flame will be extinguished, presumably just by moving the umbrella being held over it to one side.
Kate Moss and George Michael are going to perform at the closing ceremony. While she sparks up a Marlboro Light off the Olympic flame, George is going to drive a Range Rover into the side of the stage and everything’s going to collapse. Goodnight!